Local Revision: Wordiness

An important process when editing a project is to make sure that it isn't filled with superfluous words that make reading/watching it a marathon.  For this post, I will be analyzing the longest paragraph from my QRG for project 1 and will be editing it to make it more compact.

Inductiveload.  "Scissors icon black" 3/19/2010 via Wikimedia.  Public Domain.

Excerpt from my project:

"The FDA are a key stakeholder in the controversy because they are the ones who get to make the final decision regarding whether or not mitochondrial replacement will be allowed to be performed on humans.  The FDA is an agency whose decisions affect the lives of everyone in the United States every day.  People do not really think about it, but everything from food to drinks have to go through the FDA first.  Because of the FDA’s authoritative presence, scientists have to go through them to get the green light to perform mitochondrial replacement.  The FDA has headquarters based in White Oak, Maryland, but it is easier to access them through their website, www.fda.gov.  Since the FDA are careful with their public decisions, they have yet to come out with a 100% clear stance.  The FDA and the National Academies have a lot in common because they are both large, respected organizations that do not want to get on the public's bad side by making controversial decisions."

Edited version of the excerpt:

The FDA are a key stakeholder in the controversy because they are the ones who make the final decision regarding the legality of mitochondrial replacement on humans in the US.  The FDA affects the lives of everyone in the United States every day.  Everything from food to drinks to drugs have to go through the FDA first.  Because of the FDA’s authoritative presence, scientists have to go through them to get the green light to perform MRTs.  The FDA has headquarters based in White Oak, Maryland along with a website: www.fda.gov.  Since the FDA are careful with their public decisions, they have yet to come out with a clear stance.  The FDA relates to the National Academies because they both do not want to get on the public's bad side by making controversial decisions.

Reflection:

How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience?

From an ease of access standpoint, I would say the shorter revision is better for the audience because it has simpler sentences and is less convoluted. However, with this easier access, there are little pieces of information that the reader will miss that can add more context to the subject of the paragraph. The difficulty with this revision is reconstructing the paragraphs so that they are simple to read yet still contain all of the important information.