For my second peer review I peer reviewed Jake Gyles' production report for his introduction paragraph about school lunches versus homemade lunches. I decided to review his paragraph on its form/content.
To be honest, I found Jake's intro paragraph to be a little strange. The opening lines are an anecdotal story with heavy use of first person narrative. I personally believe this goes against the traditional genre conventions for a standard college essays, as standard essays are generally more professional and no nonsense. However, while I personally am not sure if the intro is correct in terms of professionalism, I do like the creativity. The opening story was able to capture my attention although it was a little tacky. Furthermore, I disliked how Jake stated that it was his mother's lunches that led him to become "far too heavy for [his] own good." I feel as though this is a broad generalization in terms of what actually goes into making a person unhealthy, and seemed to force the essay's argument down my throat. I would recommend perhaps easing up on the bluntness of the message of the opening story so that it isn't simply, "I'm overweight because my mom packed me lunch for school." Anyways, I do like the premise of the essay, the argument is very specific and unique.
To sum up my review, I would recommend considering the genre conventions for a college essay in terms of professionalism, and then perhaps edit the opening anecdote so that its message isn't so heavy-handed/forced.
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